Sometimes I need to write things. I mostly write them in my iPhone, like everywhere, when I’ve the feeling one of those things wandering in my head should be put in word. It’s like automatical writing, I never look back or think back at what I’ve just write and most of the times there’s many sentences which are totally meaningless. Like… Automatical philosophy.
Then, rarely, when I’ve nothing better to do I put all those notes in a same document of which I’ve copies in my computer and in external hard-drives.
I just did this and suddenly realised I now have 31 pages. 31 pages of desconstructed thoughts. 31 pages of emotional garbages. 22 254 words.
One day I’ll read back that. But not now, it seems too mentally disturbing for me.
I’m still writing something at the moment.
I’ve always been attracted by scary things. In the same way I guess I’m fascinated by things which have to power to make you cry or smile. Or by anything which can you make discover new or more intense feelings and sensations. When I was a little kid I didn’t liked at all creepy films but I had a whole collection of horror books. When I think back about that I find those very disturbing for a 12 year child. In fact, they were not exactly scary but more something like disturbing. This is what I’ve always really liked. Creepy, disturbing things like songs, or drawings, or movies, or stories, or even little parts of life, of my own mind.
Things which make you feel bad about yourself and scare you about the others. Which make you feel so ill at ease that during few times it becomes the worst problem you ever had. At such point you want to say sorry without knowing why. Your worst animal instincts are taking control, the things you’ve always repress in the dark part of your mind are exploding in the front of your face. And questions inevitably come to your consciousness: Why do I like feeling like that, why do I like creepy stuff? I am I weird, I am disturbed? And you become to be afraid of yourself, of who you really are. This is the really best part. Then you began to look at the others. Are they more than they seem to be? Are they different? Am I alone? You began to be psychotic and paranoid. You become nervous, you’re laughing, it’s the stress. You’re going into some trippy thinking from which you can extirpate fundamental laws about human psychology. From now on, seeing yourself in a mirror will never be the same. I’m convinced this bring you something.
In fact fear pulses aren’t such different of sex pulses. They come from the exact same place of our mind but are from totally different colours. They’re like opposite I guess. This could explain a lot of things. The relation between horror films and pornography, the proceeds they use, why do we like to watch them. It’s pretty the same but in opposite. It explains why certain people are mixing both. I began to like horror things as I began to be interested in sex and it evolved in parallel. A fun fact is that the percent of violent and creepy music (like breakcore, dark dubstep, noise) I listen have a lot increases since it is no fap February… Masturbating is to sex what “self-disturbance” is to fear. I do a lot of “self-disturbance”: just thinking or doing things in the only aim to be more disturbed and to feel fear. It’s invigorating. And by analogy to sex I guess it’s also a need to slow down my fear pulses.
Fear pulses? Are they related to criminal or (mentally) violent or pain pulses? Is it that I try to slow down? Do I am an unbalanced person on this concern? Or maybe it is all the people who say they don’t like creepy things who repress their fear pulses and so become unbalanced. I don’t know if repressing sex pulses is good or bad, but if there’s one thing I’m sure it’s that it’s unnatural. In the same way it’s insane to have too many sex pulses. I really think that if you have a quite free mind creepy things can bring you as many things as sex can bring you. And that mean a lot, since we’re still animals. It clearly helps you to evolve through your own thinking, to know yourself better and to understand your reality. Because your reality is principally made of yourself since you’re the thing with which you perceive it. You want to understand the world you’re living in? Begin to understand yourself. And this includes the dark part of your mind.
I’ll add that I’ve nothing of a horror fan, I don’t often watch horror films or read creepy stories but sometimes I quite like it. Anyways most of the things which really scare me are somewhere very deep in my head and it’s that that I like to explore, the rest are just catalysts.